What is Lesbian Bed Death? The Truth Behind the Stats!


Members of the queer community hear stereotypes all the time. Whether they come from generalizations in the media or simply from ignorance, stereotypes are common in our community.

The idea that lesbians die in bed is a stereotype that keeps coming back. We spoke to Katie Hauser, LCSW, a therapist at the Gay Therapy Center’s Chelsea and Brooklyn sites, to find out what the term has meant in the past and how it fits into queer culture today.

What is lesbian bed death?

According to the theory of “lesbian death in bed,“Lesbian couples who are committed to each other have less sex than any other type of couple over the life of the relationship, resulting in less sexual intimacy. Lesbian sexual inactivity can also be defined as a drop in sexual activity after two years of dating.

The idea comes from a study of Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz from 1983, published in American couples: money, work, sex. They asked respondents: “Approximately, in the past year, how often have you and your partner had sex?” and found that lesbian couples reported lower numbers.

The study was criticized for its methodology and the fact that all long-term couples, regardless of sexual orientation, experience a decline in sexual activity. Therefore, the concept was analyzed and turned out to be a myth.

It gets tricky because the data doesn’t support it. It’s only really backed up by anecdotal incredibly old evidence and polls, dating back more than 25 years, says Katie. The lesbians had lower rates of sexual activity and higher rates of celibacy than other types of couples, according to surveys. Thus, the idea that lesbians just aren’t that sexual was born.

The problem with older studies is that many of them did not sufficiently consider the full spectrum of human sexuality in addition to being outdated. Without considering other forms of intimacy that are not penis-in-vagina sex, these studies have tended to focus on heteronormative norms of sex and intimacy. Lesbian bed deaths are a myth, and there’s not a lot of concrete evidence to back them up.

Last lesbian death song in bed

The truth behind the statistics

Katie showed us a taste of the data that contradicts the theory that lesbians are more likely to die together in bed. Katie says, “Studies over the past 20 years show that lesbians tend to report equal or greater sexual satisfaction than their heterosexual counterparts. They have more orgasmic experiences and longer sexual encounters than heterosexual couples, and they engage in a wide range of sexual activity throughout their relationship.

Is there anything lesbians should really worry about sexually?

We can all agree that the concept of lesbian death in bed is an outdated concept that is no longer relevant in queer culture. There are, however, specific sexual concerns that lesbians face. According to Katie, ssome of them are “the time it takes to reach orgasm and the time invested in a sexual experience”.

Sexual experiences in male heterosexual or homosexual relationships can be very different. The most common issues are exhaustion or emotional difficulties within the relationship, but there is also the element of sexual trauma that can come into play when we are talking about a relationship between two women.

When this happens, Katie suggests seeking advice, but also conducting your own sex inventory to figure out how to improve your sex life.

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If LGBTQ couples want to prioritize sex in their lives, they may schedule sex or engage in more intentional forms of sexual contact with their partner. Some couples choose to focus on the fun in their relationship in ways that have nothing to do with sex, like going out for a really good dinner.

Sometimes it is necessary to remove the pressure piece and find ways to connect, even if there are certain barriers in place, such as exhaustion or emotional difficulties.

It’s not always the case that sex stays the same from decade to decade.

Many couples in committed relationships, regardless of sexual orientation, eventually experience a decline in sexual activity. Katie offers some comfort to those going through this, saying, “It’s only natural to expect less desire, less sexual intimacy and sex to take precedence in your relationship and to feel a little freaked out about it. when it happens.”

Those who are worried about it shouldn’t panic, in my opinion.. Katie recommends not to panic and instead, take the time to put sex first in your relationship (if sex is important to you) and remove anything that is holding you back from having the sex life you desire.

She elaborates, “I think it’s really important to recognize that individuals and couples often have different sexual motivations and different aspects of their sexuality, and bring different parts of themselves to the table. The motivation, desire and preferences of your relationship can therefore change over time. These changes are subtle and vary from person to person. Therefore, there is a lot of material to use.

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Planning sex or engaging in more deliberate forms of sexual contact is one way to LGBTQ couples to make sex a priority in their relationship. When it comes to sex, some couples prefer to prioritize other aspects of their relationship, like going out for a fantastic meal. Even if there are barriers to communication, such as exhaustion or emotional distress, it’s still important to eliminate the pressure factor and look for opportunities to connect.

Approval of the libido to be what it is

The fact that sex is an individual and private experience is an often overlooked but crucial aspect of this discussion. Katie reiterated: “I want to make it clear that sexuality and the notion that a decline in sexuality is a problem is an individual experience. If sex is important to you, then it’s okay to treat it as such. And if not, it’s okay to accept a decline in your sex life if that’s acceptable to you.

It is crucial that individuals allow their libidos to be what they are. Aand simply because we experience a drop in sexuality or sexual load in a relationship, [or] at some point in a relationship, it does not necessarily mean it will continue – nor does it necessarily indicate that there is a problem that needs to be resolved. Work on it if you wish.

Work on it if you wish.

People seem to have an idea of ​​what sexuality is supposed to be, but their experiences do not match this idea, which leaves them perplexed. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with your sex life. If you’re worried, you can use this as a starting point to work out with your partner how sex currently fits into your relationship and how you’d like it to evolve in the future.

It’s entirely up to you, as opposed to a debunked belief.

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